You treat me too nice and I think I'm scared of it.
I feel so weepy when I'm around you all sometimes, like I physically can't take how gentle you are to me.
It makes me question if I've ever actually had people care for me before and that is truly terrifying to me.
I hate that it makes me question all of it because it makes me feel ungrateful for everything I've had before.
It makes me so afraid to lose it all.
You were all so quick to pull me in and include me, it's astonishing.
I've always felt so scared to be close to people and it's happening again,
but I don't want to lose it this time.
I don't know if I'm capable of giving back all that's been given.
I've failed to meet those expectations before.
You're all kind and I don't want you to feel obligated to do anything for me.
It's not a good thing, but I've seen myself as ugly or monstrous.
I've hated how people could see me and like being around me when I so desperately want to be out of my skin.
But then it's funny because I love monsters and imperfect things.
It makes me wonder if I would like myself more if I wasn't me, or if I wouldn't because I wouldn't see a monster at all.
I'm just a person, and maybe that's what I don't like the most.
I realize that having a low opinion of myself makes it hard for not only myself, but the people who care for me.
People will put their trust and hopes and kindness unto me regardless of if I feel I deserve it.
I want to respect those things as best I can because I'm happy to receive these things.
I guess to a certain degree it isn't even about if I deserve it so much as how I choose to honor what's been given.
But maybe that's putting too much pressure on myself.
I think maybe this is another fallacy I've grown into.
Maybe what I thought was inner strength is just another type of toxic filial piety I didn't even know I grew into.
Like the duty of the eldest daughter to the family, it doesn't care if you are a daughter anymore.
But this is something that was never forced upon me as a child.
It was something that I adopted myself to make myself feel more Asian.
That I thought being fetishized was what it was supposed to feel like.
That suffering over grades and being a leader for my sibling and cousins was my only purpose.
How many years have you lived never knowing that you were doing this to yourself.
How many tears shed because you felt so much pressure and no happiness towards your accomplishments.
You hold the stars in your hands and feel nothing because you are supposed to be humble.
That loud child was put into solitary confinement and you mistook that for maturity.
Let's let them up the stairs from the darkness and warm their tears by the fire.
Home Previous Next